dunno why i am writing in here really, just seems like so long since i last said anything, i sit at a computer all day doing absolutely nothing
should this entry be private or public? i really don’t know, but it seems perhaps i should speak out loud so at least everyone knows what i’m going on about.

i’ve seen a load of backstabbing and two facedness over the last few weeks, and (combined with my own stupidity) really do wonder whether we are such a great species after all..

i mean, who should ever hurt the one they love:?: and why should people be nice to someone simply because there is no one else there?

i’ve become really screwed up over these last few weeks, people say i should get over it, after all it is gowry who is hurt, and perhaps fair play, but you can’t just kill emotions, how ever hard you try.

gowry is everything to me, and as hard as i try (not that i want to mind) i can’t get rid of my feelings for her. i guess she really is in the middle, but it just seems weird that the people with the strongest opinions don’t seem to practise what they preach…. double standards or what?!?

i’ll continue to try my hardest with gow, do all the things i need to, becuase i do love her to death and am not just going to give in.

i’m not out to hurt her, or do anything stupid again, i really dont want to (not that i ever did, hmm, i see… :(), when things (thoughts, feelings, whatever) fall into place, the world view changes. my world is completely upside down, but at least i can see clearly.

a lot of people seem to have a lot of anger, but really, it’s not helping to let it all out … if things happen things will happen.. no amount of pressure or persuasion will change that (that includes me, i know :o)

so what to do, things are odd, confusing and hurtful, however, there are a few simple things i know in my head (even if you lot don’t… :P)

people make mistakes, some more than others, but its the lesson you learn at the end that is important, i’ve made some big mistakes, and maybe it is too late, but in my head i know exactly how i feel and am willing to try and put everything right.

no excuses, no ‘but i…’, just regret. lots of it, for many things….

anyhows, my eyes hurt now, and i’ve still got some invesitigating to do, many many logs to read through, what joy….

signing out…

Heya!!!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Best wishes to all of you!

yes yes, i know i haven’t written for like ages, but this won’t be long either… just a quick update really on whats going on with life.

erm, still at uni, was starting to like it a bit more, but now its getting hard again so i’m starting to hate it and we’re still waiting for gowry to finish her course so we can finally move out, been some nice places on offer, so that should be really good.

oh bugger, i gotta go, well i will try and remember to come back to fill it all in again later….

oh, looking for a job, hope to get one soon hehehe

ok, thursdays and mondays is start at 9am days, so in preperation for this, i got up at 7:45, go ready and then left for 8:15, giving me 45 minutes to get to uni.

except, i was still late but REALLY late, i got in at 10:10!!! i could have gone to the other half of my lecture, but didn’t want to look stupid walking in so late (i think i had missed the break)

anyways, rantings out of the way.

yesterday we went out for tom’s birthday tea at the argentinean (is that how you spell it?) restaurant on battersea rise. the steaks were huge and it really tasted nice but like, it was a steak, so not really much to add (just wanted to put in the tom’s birthday bit).

uni has got better, i went to my first lecture on tuesday and it was generally ok. i will need a bit of time to adjust but should be fine. the workshops are the problem though and the bit i’m not too sure about. got one of these after lunch, so i will know then
about the gallery’s, i’ve updated how they work and the video’s are now stored on seperate pages along with the file sizes. bear in mind 1Mb (megabyte ;)) will take about 3/4 mins on a 56k modem, and about 5/6 on a 33.6. anything faster will obviously be a lot quicker. its also advisable to save them straight to hd incase the player crashes
so whats going on then? well tonite, borka had asked if i wanted to dj at guilford and i did honestly think about it. then i chickened out. (i had done a 3.5 hour set yesterday to practise and it was ok, so i dunno why i wont mix out). i think i want to do some house parties first, just to get my confidence up you see and i also need to buy my deck cases (nice aluminium boxes which will protect everything). i can get these with my tax rebate hurrah!

erm, been looking through my old CaT stuff, and got a patch to allow the old pascal bits and bobs to run, which was very interesting and allowed me to reminice over my old work (goes back to jan 1997!) when i was able to distro files all over the world and had a name for myself hurrah!

i’m actually thinking of putting the BBS back on my computer just for old times sake and to show gowry so she can understand what i;m talking about!
i’ll go to kingston soon to go hmv and stuff, but first i’ll wait for everyone to come out of lecture to meet up for a drink, hurrah!

yes, here i am, still at kingston, i’ve been persuaded to give it a month or so before i give up. went to first workshop today after changing groups, better, but still hated it.

i’m hoping its just because i am tired and not in the right frame of mind, as i’m skipping a lecture now, just not in the mood.

i know it will get better, just need to get my swing as it were, but i can’t help but feel i’d be more happy on a training course and then going straight into a job.

however, i’ve siad i’ll test it, so i will. tomorrow is programming essentials, which should be a lot better, at least i HOPE its a lot better as thats my motivation.

hopefully i can do a borka and never do anything and still get through
anyways, almost finished putting all my 140 something holiday photos online, so you can go and see millions of pix of us
now off to buy some paper and pens and things, then go see gow 4 lunch…. what a hard life huh?